Our Relationship to Rules
Understanding Defiance, Compliance, and Reliance
Human beings have a complicated relationship with rules. We don’t like having rules imposed upon us or being told what to do. Rules can seem constraining, unnatural, coercive, or oppressive.
“No running in the hall.” “Bedtime is 9 pm.” “You must be here by 8 am.” For most of us, these rules just seem like ways for The Man to keep you down.
Given this, we tend to think in binary terms: either you 1) comply with a rule, or you 2) rebel against it. That’s it. You’re either on board, or you’re not.
But with self-management, we need to rely on the rules we've created for ourselves and each other. While compliance defiance is still very relevant, we need to recognize a new or more common type of relationship: reliance.
When we rely on rules, we experience them as a form of liberating structure. For example, when we play a board game with friends, which technically are constraints, they are designed to guide interactions and processes in a way that removes ambiguity and empowers the people using them.
Imagine how stressful it would be to drive on an 8-lane highway without any actual lanes painted on the road. Or, trying to find apples in the grocery store if all of the fruits, vegetables, and everything else were just lumped together in a giant disorganized display.
Reliance means that we appreciate having structures (e.g., explicit rules, policies, agreements, and expectations) and should feel more free because of them.
So, rather than feeling coerced or oppressed, our experience of interacting with a liberating structure usually gives us a feeling of clarity and comfort. There is order. Because with those structures in place, we can turn our attention to other things. In other words, we tend to rely on those rules which make sense to us.
Making Rules Matter
So, when our relationship to rules is reliance, it means the rules matter. But this is where it gets tricky. While reliance needs to be acknowledged alongside compliance and defiance, it’s a mistake to assume it’s morally superior to them.
And what most people do, when they think about having a different or “evolved” relationship to rules, is…acknowledge that no one likes having confusing rules imposed upon them without their consent, and therefore conclude: 1) rules should be clear and not confusing, and 2) people shouldn’t be forced to follow rules that they haven’t agreed to.
But this is an overly simplistic interpretation. And it doesn’t work.
Firstly, sure, rules shouldn’t be confusing, but no one sets out to make a rule confusing. The failure of those in charge isn’t that they don’t grasp the principle that expectations should be clear. The problem is in their execution (I’ll return to this idea in more detail in future articles).
Secondly, the idea that people shouldn’t be forced to follow rules they haven’t agreed to is, technically speaking, complete horse shit. Does a parent need their infant’s consent before they take them to the doctor? Does an airline need the consent of every passenger before they reschedule a flight? Of course not.
The solution to oppressive rules isn’t to turn everything into a vote. I’ve written previously about the downsides to freedom, and they shouldn’t be ignored.
I think the better solution to making rules matter (or at least part of it), is to acknowledge that all three relationships, 1) compliance, 2) defiance, and 3) reliance are necessary. Reliance is great, but it doesn’t necessarily represent an evolution or a healthier relationship to rules.
For example, sometimes compliance is the proper stance to take. Maybe you don’t fully understand why a given rule exists, but maybe you don’t need to. Each of us is surrounded by structures, both physical and social, on which we unconsciously depend. Ignorance isn’t a bug in the programming of our consciousness, it’s a feature.
Moreover, we exist in a social reality that must balance the polarities of independence and dependence. Agency and intimacy. Autonomy and alignment.
In fact, each of these different types of relationships has its good version and its bad version. And so, here is what a fuller understanding looks like:
Conclusion
Our relationship to rules is complicated but not particularly mysterious. Even well-intentioned rules can lead to confusion, inefficiency, and even resistance, undermining the very objectives they were designed to achieve.
In some ways, the “relationship” is more a reflection of one’s own psychological or emotional stance than something inherent to the rules or the authority behind them. Anyone in a position to define and enforce rules should recognize that an individual’s relationship to those rules is extremely flexible and fluid, and managing that fluidity is a core component of leadership.
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But Don’t Take My Word For It
Defiance
Good men must not obey the laws too well. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
No obligation to do the impossible is binding. -Marcus Tullius Cicero
Compliance
In the absence of clear rules, chaos reigns. -Michael Gerber
Rules are rules, and when you break them, there's consequences. -SpongeBob SquarePants
Reliance
Rules do not exist to bind you. They exist so you may know your freedoms. -The Masked People
The end of laws is, not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge freedom. -John Locke