Getting to"No"

Another Key to Collaboration without Coercion

Successful negotiation is not about getting to “yes;” it’s about mastering “no” and understanding what the path to an agreement is. -Christopher Voss, Never Split the Difference (2016).

Most people don’t collaborate very effectively. But if you want to collaborate effectively and do it without coercion, then you need to negotiate. But the problem there is most people don’t know how to negotiate effectively either.

Today’s short lesson is about a simple principle: the degree to which you welcome “no,” is the degree to which you are giving others their freedom.

Sure, learning to tell people “no” is an important way to establish your own boundaries (even if you’re uncomfortable doing it), but for the very same reason, one of the best ways to engender healthy and effective collaboration is also to encourage others to say “no” as well.

Here are my two favorite ways to do it:

1. “…Telling Me ‘No’ is a Fine Answer”

Since people are usually reluctant to say “no,” the best approach is to bias towards encouraging it. Of course we may ultimately wish for a “yes,” but we don’t want a fake one.

So, here is a little phrase I recommend adding to your requests: “…and telling me ‘no’ is a fine answer.” Maybe as I was talking I noticed something subtle in their body language or expression, and I sensed them starting to contract or pull-away. I can then just easily follow up with… “…and just to be clear here…you telling me ‘no, I can’t right now’ is totally fine.”

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a request is only truly a request if the other person feels free to say “no” without fear of consequences. If you react with feelings of rejection, shame, or withdrawal in response to a “no,” then it was likely a demand, not a request.

Since a genuine “no” is infinitely better to a fake “yes,” this little tweak helps me feel a little more comfortable trusting the answer I get. For example, you make a request, you say it’s OK to say “no” and they respond with some hesitation, “Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll just need to move some things around.” Do you stop there, retract, or re-request?

My advice is to take them at their word. Maybe clarify one more time: “It’s really OK if you want to say ‘no...’” But after that, take them at their word. You can read more about why in this article: “Listen to What I Say Not How I Say It.”

2. Set Up the “No”

In Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator, challenges the conventional wisdom that successful negotiation is about getting to “yes.” Instead, he argues that it's about mastering “no”—because “no” creates safety, clarity, and forward momentum.

When people say “no,” they feel in control. It feels good to assert a boundary and have it respected. This is especially relevant in sales, where traditional methods often rely on leading the customer through a series of small “yes” agreements (“You’d like to save time, right? And you want better relationships too, right?).

Voss flips this on its head: rather than pushing for “yes,” he recommends questions that invite a comfortable and empowered “no.”

For example, instead of asking, “Would you like to learn more about our product?” a better approach might be, “Is this a bad time to talk?”—which gives the other person space to respond honestly without feeling trapped.

Or, instead of saying, “Do you want to solve this problem today?” try, “Would it be ridiculous to explore a solution together?”

These kinds of questions reduce pressure, build trust, and open the door to real dialogue. Voss’s approach recognizes that people are more receptive when they feel they can safely decline—and that “no” is not the end of the conversation, but often the true beginning.

Conclusion

“Bargaining is essential to the life of the world; but nobody has ever claimed that it is an ennobling process.” -Agnes Repplier (1924)

In the end, negotiation isn’t just about reaching agreement—it’s about creating the conditions where agreement means something. When people know they’re free to say “no,” their “yes” carries real weight.

That kind of clarity and freedom is the foundation of collaboration without coercion. So if you want to work well with others, start by making it safe for them to disagree. Because the way you welcome a “no” is ultimately how you show respect for another person’s autonomy—and that respect is what makes real collaboration possible.

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A Whole Lotta Nope

You start by saying no to requests. Then if you have to go to yes, OK. But if you start with yes, you can't go to no. -Mildred Perlman (1975)

Learn to say “No;” it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin. -Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1985)

Liberty is the possibility of doubting, the possibility of making a mistake, the possibility of searching and experimenting, the possibility of saying “No” to any authority—literary, artistic, philosophic, religious, social, even political. -Ignazio Silone, Essay in the God that Failed (1950)

My unhappiness was the unhappiness of a person who could not say no. -Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human (1948)

No, is a complete sentence. -Judith Orloff (2013)

It is easy to say, “no!” when there is a deeper “yes!” burning inside. -Stephen Covey

To think is to say no. -Emile Auguste Chartier

There are people who prefer to say “yes” and there are people who prefer to say “no.” Those who say “yes” are rewarded by the adventures they have. Those who say “no” are rewarded by the safety they attain. -Keith Johnstone, Improvisation and the Theatre (1981).